Jolly Roger About Gas Prices

Good Roger slammed on the brakes so fast he almost had an accident. But he just couldn’t believe the prices at Bad Roger’s gas station, and so he had to pull in and check them out.

Bad Roger bought a gas station in the ‘70s because he thought it would be a good way to gouge people unmercifully and treat them like dirt. He has never regretted his decision.

“But your new prices are fantastic!” Good Roger told him as he pulled up to the pump. “I am heartened to see you are heeding our President’s call for all Americans to pull together in this our time of national crisis.”

Good Roger talks like this all the time. That is why he is such a pain.

“I just believe in doing my part,” Bad Roger said modestly. “Which is why I have lowered my gas prices to $1 per gallon.”

“You are a great American,” Good Roger said. “And the consumers of America will not forget you.”

“Of course, the hose rental is another dollar a gallon and there is a pumping fee of 50 cents a gallon,” Bad Roger said. “But I’m sure nobody would want to deny a small businessman a fair profit.”

“But that adds up to $2.50 a gallon!” Good Roger said. “That’s crazy!”

“It’s all because of Iraq,” Bad Roger said sadly. “It breaks my heart to have to raise prices. But there is a gas shortage.”

Good Roger stamped his foot. Which is pretty hard to do when you are sitting behind the wheel of a car. “But that is just the point!” he said. “There is no gas shortage. There is a gas glut. Yet avaricious oil company executives and greedy gas station owners have raised prices. Even though the higher-priced oil is still on slow-moving tankers that won’t reach America for weeks.”

“Yeah, well, my oil comes over on the Concorde,” Bad Roger snickered, wiping his hands on an oily pink rag. “So that’s why it’s got the higher price now.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt the flow of the column,” Good Roger said, “but where do gas stations get those oily pink rags? And why are they pink? And do they come oily from the manufacturer or do you apply the oil here?”

“Trade secret,” Bad Roger said. “Isn’t this the part where you’re supposed to tell me that my little plot won’t work because honest competition will keep gas prices down?”

“Your little plot won’t work,” Good Roger said. “Because honest competition will keep gas prices down.”

“Oh, yeah?” Bad Roger said. “Well why do you think gas stations have those big sign boards out front with the prices on them?”

“To inform consumers so they can comparison shop, of course,” Good Roger said.

“Wrong!” said Bad Roger. “It’s so all the gas stations can raise their prices at the same time. We’re going to charge you whatever we want and you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you’ll take whatever we dish out!” Bad Roger said. “Before the Arab oil boycott in 1973, when you pulled into a gas station, what happened?”

Good Roger searched his memory. “I seem to remember that the service station people washed your windshield and checked your oil and tire pressure,” Good Roger said.

“That’s right,” Bad Roger said. “And what happened once the oil boycott started?”

“The good service stopped,” Good Roger said. “But the gas stations promised that once the crisis was over, they’d provide good service once again.”

“And did they?” Bad Roger said. “Of course they didn’t! You pull into a gas station these days and you’re lucky if they let you use the washroom. All they do today is take your money, and some of them are damn rude about doing that. Which is exactly why I got into the gas business. It’s perfect for me.”

Good Roger shook his head. “But this time there will be a consumer revolt,” he said. “This time the American people are being pushed too far. First it was gas stations raising prices and then the airlines raised prices and pretty soon food prices are going to shoot up too.”

“Exactly,” Bad Roger said. “Which is why I am opening up a restaurant right here at the station. It will be a good way to gouge people twice. I even have a motto.”

“Oh, no,” Good Roger said.

“That’s right,” said Bad Roger. “Eat here, get gas!”