NFL Fans Just Pawns in This Chess Game

A funny thing happened at a football game in San Francisco last Monday night.

The Super Bowl XXIII and XXIV champion 49ers lined up against the Super Bowl XXI champion New York Giants in a game that got so much super-publicity, it was referred to--adorably--as Super Bowl XXIV 1/2.

Well, for four quarters the 49ers and the Giants slammed and rammed into one another, snapping, crackling and popping all over the field, in front of the largest audience ever to see one of ABC-television’s Monday attractions.

And when the game was over, the 49ers were victorious.

Final score: 7-3.

But that wasn’t the interesting part.

The interesting part came later, after the game. It continued the morning after. It continued the rest of the week, right up through today’s NFL kickoffs.

The interesting part is that, to this very day, people still can’t agree whether the game they had just watched, 49ers-Giants, was the best game of the football season or the worst.

Was this defensive football at its finest?

Or was this the dullest thing this side of a Swedish movie?

I watched the game with two people whose conclusion was: “What a snooze.”

The three of us agreed that sitting through three hours of the 49ers and Giants was preferable to, oh, getting bitten by a rabid dog.

Otherwise, though, it was this game that bit.

Next morning, nevertheless, we opened our favorite morning newspaper to discover that this game was a “gem.” At least that’s what the headline assured us, and after all, headlines report the facts.

And a reporter covering the game conveyed to us that while most big games failed to live up to their buildups, this one had not, and that for once the “hitting equaled the hype.”

And furthermore, Bubba Paris, the round mound of sound who plays offensive tackle for the 49ers, was of the opinion that this had been “the best football game I’ve seen in my nine years associated with the National Football League.”

And linebacker Lawrence Taylor of the losing side said: “I wish we’d scored more points and won, but I’d have to say the fans got their money’s worth from this one. It was a classic football game.”

And a neutral observer, Coach Buddy Ryan of the Philadelphia Eagles, said: “Now that’s what I call a hell of a football battle.”

And another reporter gushed that it was a “spectacular” defensive football game.

So, I was just about sold.

But then, one by one, football fans of all sizes, shapes, ages and genders opened conversations with me by saying something along the lines of: “Was that the most boring football game you ever saw or what?”

And former linebacker Tom Jackson, now of ESPN, commented on TV: “Kind of a dull game, wasn’t it?”

And quarterback Jim Kelly of the Buffalo Bills said: “I almost fell asleep.”

So, I decided to stand my ground.

That was quite possibly the most disappointing football game I have seen in years, not counting games played on Super Bowl Sunday.

That game was so slow and low-scoring, it should have been decided on penalty kicks.

I’m sorry, but my idea of a good time is not watching Joe Montana and Phil Simms throw incomplete passes.

And I haven’t had to watch so much punting since the Ford Motor Co. sponsored a competition for children that also required them to pass and kick. In terms of entertainment, the 49er-Giant game was the closest thing I have seen to the Broadway show, “A Chorus Line”--1-2-3, kick; 1-2-3, kick.

If you thought the first half was lousy, I hope you didn’t have to sit through the second half.

The halftime score, for those who have forgotten--or have tried to forget--was 7-3.

How do we know this was a great defensive game? Because nobody scored in the whole second half?

Maybe it was just a poor offensive game.

If you’re like me, you waited for weeks for this game. The 49ers! The Giants! Fasten your seat belts!

Instead, we got Montana completing 12 of 29 passes for 152 yards. We got Simms completing 14 of 32 passes for 153 yards.

The leading rusher for either side, Ottis Anderson, gained 39 yards.

There were 16 punts.

No points were scored in three of the four periods.

One team’s spectacular defense recorded zero sacks.

And I still think the most interesting confrontation of the night was Simms’ argument with Ronnie Lott on the field after the game. That had more drama than anything that preceded it, except for one very nice shot of the moon from the blimp.

Hey, maybe you liked this game, but I’m looking for something with a little more excitement. I wonder if that Karpov-Kasparov chess thing is still going on.