MAKING IT WORK : Helping Children Survive Divorce
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Divorce threatens the trust children have in the world as an orderly, predictable place, so they need a lot of reassurance as they adjust to living in two households instead of one, says Irvine psychologist Zena Polly.
Many parents’ first impulse is to spare their children pain by not discussing the divorce with them. But, Polly cautions, if the adults don’t provide answers, children will draw their own conclusions--and often will end up blaming themselves for their parents’ problems.
Children need to be encouraged and shown how to relieve their anxiety about the unknown and to be reassured that the divorce is not their fault, Polly says.
She also offers the following suggestions for parents:
* Postpone other major changes such as switching careers or relocating until your children have adjusted to the divorce.
* Don’t have just one big talk about the divorce and leave it at that. Talk about it frequently.
* Help school-age children find constructive outlets for their feelings of anger and sadness.
* Be flexible in your custody arrangement as your children grow and their needs change.
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