HEALTH HORIZONS : PSYCHOLOGY : Hearts and Flowers : Men and women disagree--sometimes passionately--on what strikes them as being romantic. But there is little discord over the notion that it’s in vogue.

Women notice Marlene Schoen’s husband.

They just can’t help it.

They’re initially attracted not by his physique (although Marlene confides he has a “great chest”) nor his career (a Los Angeles psychologist with an interest in hypnosis).

What really gets other women talking--and sometimes envious--is Marc Schoen’s penchant for being romantic.

When he decided to propose, Marc spent months composing a song. Finally satisfied with the lyrics, he dropped off his guitar at Tampico Tilly’s, a Mexican restaurant in Santa Monica, and nonchalantly suggested they go out to dinner.

As the serenading waiter strolled by their table, Marc asked to “borrow” the guitar and began singing. “All of a sudden it hit me,” Marlene said. “He’s proposing!” Other patrons noticed and gathered around the table. “Well?” some asked. “Yes!” she cried. Marc retrieved the engagement ring from his sock and slipped it on her finger as the crowd cheered.

For Marlene’s 30th birthday, Marc took her to dinner and surprised her with a ride in a horse-drawn carriage. They trotted off to a nearby Woodland Hills park, where 70 friends sprang from the darkness and sang “Happy Birthday.” Marc even remembered to bring her a change of clothes--jeans, shirt and boots--so she’d match the guests and feel comfortable when the square dance callers arrived.

After nine years of marriage, romance remains a habit. He still composes songs, though these days he sings to a larger audience--Marlene and their infant twins, a boy and a girl, born this spring.

Is Schoen a rare find, a once-in-a-blue-moon partner?

Many women with less-than-romantic partners might think so, but researchers studying romance are divided. Women are definitely the more romantic gender, according to some researchers (and not all of them are women). Others argue that men can be just as romantic as women. Men often become even more romantic than women once they reach middle age.

Defining romance is a dicey proposition, and it even stumps researchers. But recently one research team asked people to describe actions they thought were romantic and discovered some intriguing differences between the opinions of men and women.

On at least a few points, though, the researchers agree. Romance is in vogue, perhaps partially sparked by a “go-slow” philosophy in this era of sexually transmitted diseases.

It’s even good for your health--most of the time. Researchers say romance might improve your sense of well-being. It can reduce the tendency of “Type A” personalities to be hostile and make you feel happier and eventually healthier.

And even if you weren’t born a hopeless romantic, experts say you can probably learn. That’s true even if you can’t carry a tune or remember anniversaries. It might even be true if hair dryers or neckties are the most romantic gifts you have ever given.

The question “What is romance?” seems straightforward enough. Especially when it is directed to Raymond Tucker, a professor of interpersonal communications at Bowling Green State University who has researched the subject for five years. But the telephone line is silent. Then there is a chuckle. Finally, he answers: “I have no idea.”

He is only half joking. Tucker found it so difficult to pin down a neat definition of romance that he has approached his research not by asking for a word or phrase but by asking people to describe acts that they find romantic.

With co-researchers Barbara Vivian and Matthew Marvin, Tucker asked 149 women and 48 men, ages 20 to 22, to define romantic behavior. Making the top 10 lists of both, although in somewhat different order, were:

- Taking walks.

- Giving or receiving flowers.

- Kissing.

- Cuddling.

- Candlelight dinners.

- Cards or love letters.

- Hugging.

There were notable differences. Women listed hearing or saying “I love you,” along with slow dancing and getting surprise gifts. Men did not mention these as romantic. But men talked about holding hands, making love and sitting by a fireplace, which didn’t make the women’s top 10 list.

Explaining the differences is not easy.

Men who mentioned sitting by a fireplace have bought into the stereotype of hearth and home, with the man as a breadwinner, Tucker suggests. Women who didn’t mention making love might take that for granted, he says, especially if they are in a long-term relationship.

But UCLA psychiatrist Mark Goulston sees another possibility. “My guess is, people are embarrassed to say they make love or have sex. There is still a shyness in talking about sex.”

What about women who listed surprise gifts in the top 10? Being surprised is often “a big part” of romance for women, Goulston said, but “for a man being surprised means being caught off-guard.” And that, in turn, might make a man feel less in control.

Slow dancing, which didn’t make the men’s top 10, might be considered as sissified compared with fast dancing or other activities, Goulston says. Women might consider spoken declarations of love as romantic because of their need to verbalize.

More recently, Tucker and his team polled shoppers in a Toledo, Ohio, mall, trying to find out if older people described romantic behavior in the same way. They asked 29 men and 60 women, 18 to 79 years old, to define romantic behavior but didn’t analyze the results by gender. The results of the poll, like the other, are published in the journal Psychological Reports. Among the mall sample, the most frequently cited acts were kissing, sending or receiving flowers, and dinner in a variety of settings. Also making the older adults’ top 10 list: talking, holding hands, hugging, sharing outdoor activities, gifts, walking and touching. Tucker was struck by the discovery that there were not many differences between older and younger adults.

Even though Tucker’s research shows there is surprisingly little debate about what actions are considered romantic, there is a firestorm of disagreement about whether men or women are more romantic. “Men are not as romantic as women,” Tucker says flatly. “Most of the women I meet say this.”

But he hasn’t met Debbie Maxwell, a community relations manager at Long Beach Memorial Hospital who loves to tell about the way her very romantic husband, Jeffrey, a computer specialist, proposed. After dinner at the Shenandoah Cafe in Long Beach, he got down on his hands and knees and looked her straight in the eye. “I want you to be my wife,” he said. Back at her apartment, he gave her a recording of “My Funny Valentine,” a CD she had recently lost. Nor has Tucker heard the views of 24-year-old J.C., a Glendale bookseller who asked that his last name not be used because the object of his romantic affections had just dumped him for an “older man” of 35. “Men do more romantic things for women than women do for men,” he said, citing dinners at restaurants and picnics in the park as two examples. Before being jilted, he snuck into his girlfriend’s college dormitory room while she was away and left a teddy bear and flowers. (Being dumped didn’t seem to quell his romantic streak; a former girlfriend recently called and he’s hopeful.)

But others say men like J.C. and Jeffrey Maxwell are rare among the male species--and that many men don’t act romantic because they weren’t trained when they were younger.

“Women have been conditioned to be more romantic,” said Lillian Glass, a Beverly Hills communications specialist and author of “He Says, She Says: Closing the Communication Gap Between the Sexes (1992, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York).

Men and women tend to be more romantic depending on how many years of formal education they have had, Tucker has found. With age, men become more romantic, some experts say. “They realize there is more to life than making a living,” Tucker said. “The most romantic people are age 65 and over,” Tucker said. “Most people you see holding hands are over 60.”

“When men become older, they do become more sentimental,” said UCLA psychiatrist Goulston, who conducts couples’ therapy groups and often hears complaints about the lack of romance.

But even when a man becomes as romantic as his partner, life is not always wine and roses. Goulston has noticed differences in the romantic viewpoints of men and women past midlife. As a woman gets older, she often has fewer family and household responsibilities, Goulston said, so her preference for romance tends toward action-packed activities.

A typical scenario, Goulston said, involves the woman saying, “Let’s go away for the weekend.” The man is thinking, “Let’s sit home and drink champagne by the fire.” Such a man has bought into the macho mystique, Goulston said, even if he looks and acts liberated. He’s the provider. It’s his house. He’ll sit by his woman and protect her.

Many men and women, regardless of their age, think of themselves as romantic--even when they are not--and crave romance, sooner or later.

Why do we crave romance? “It adds excitement to our lives,” said Carol Lassen, a Denver psychologist who has researched romance. “Romance also implies you’re special to someone and someone is special to you, and there is a fulfilling emotional quality to that.”

Tucker said, “When you are romantic, you are saying, ‘I’m going out of my way to show love.” When given and received on a regular basis, romance can enhance your sense of happiness and well-being, people tell Tucker.

Probably no doctor will ever say, “send your wife flowers and call me in the morning.” But in Goulston’s view, such a prescription might be a good idea, especially for hard-driving type-A personalities. “The greatest risk factor for heart disease in ‘Type A’ personalities is their hostility,” he said. “One of the nice things about being romantic is, you can’t be romantic and hostile simultaneously.”

Gary Emery, a Los Angeles psychologist, added: “When you are being romantic, you are in an anti-stress state of mind. “You can operate from calm energy, what some people call thinking positive, rather than tension energy, which creates stress and fatigue.” Goulston can’t recall anyone telling him about a partner who’s too romantic, but romance can have its dark side. In its healthy form, romance entails giving for giving’s sake. But if you begin to give gifts or other expressions of romance with expectations of getting something in return--what Goulston calls “giving to get”--romance turns manipulative.

Even those lucky souls who find healthy romance might have to fine-tune their fantasies, though. Just ask Barbara Carr, a senior sales executive for a San Fernando Valley health maintenance organization. She was positive her gentleman friend would propose after their evening out at dinner and the “Phantom.” He suggested a walk around Echo Park Lake after the last curtain. “Surely, he is going to propose right now,” the widow recalls thinking as they watched moonlight bouncing off the water.

Guess again.

She hid her disappointment. That weekend, she went to his Chatsworth home to help with the yardwork. They were taking a lunch break, still hot and grimy in their gardening clothes, when he blurted it out: “I guess I’m ready to look for rings.”

Carr quickly accepted this unconventional proposal, then asked why he’d skipped the opportunity to ask her in the moonlight. “Anybody can do that,” he replied.

“The proposal wasn’t romantic in the conventional sense,” Carr said, “but I will never forget it.”

She’s also learned that two partners don’t always express romance the same way. “My telling him ‘I love you’ pleases him, even though it is hard for him to say it back,” she said. She often expresses romance by baking low-cholesterol goodies. He spent his spare time on a recent business trip hunting down the exact type of antique candleholders she had been wanting.

Women can be guilty of expecting too much in the romance department, Glass said. Many women want a perfect movie script played out, never mind his work schedule or other demands. “I think women have expectations of a man being glib and saying the right thing and sweeping us off our feet,” she said.

Women can be unrealistic in other ways, Goulston said. “Often what is romantic for a woman is having a man read her mind,” he said. When Goulston tells women that, he often hears these retorts: “But if I have to tell him what I want, it takes away all the romance. If he’s told what’s romantic, he has no free choice.”

Baloney, Goulston replies. Romance requires communication, he and Glass say. Romance is based on a desire to feel good about oneself, and then to also feel good about one’s partner, Goulston said. How better to know what the other considers romantic than to tell each other? In general, women want to be surprised when it comes to romance more often than men do, Goulston said. Men want most to feel appreciated.

Can people become more romantic? Absolutely, experts say. Even the most practial non-romantic can be changed into a more romantic being who’s more comfortable giving and receiving romance, they say.

In fact, a good romantic is probably at least partially a realist. It requires planning to pull off romance, said Marlene Schoen, a psychologist like her romantic husband, Marc. “Learning to be romantic is like a skill,” said Marlene, who specializes in relationship counseling. Planning ahead--to make dinner reservations, hire a baby-sitter and buy a greeting card--is an integral part of any romantic behavior, she said.

Learning how to talk more romantically is another simple way to boost the skill, Glass said.

“Men need to be reconditioned in terms of how to talk to a woman, especially in terms of romance. Women want constantly to hear terms of endearment,” Glass found in the survey of more than 1,000 adults, which was commissioned for her book.

“A lot of men don’t express themselves (romantically). Or they will joke about it, afraid of looking foolish.”

Woman aren’t perfect, she added. “A lot of them don’t communicate either.” Women tend to be more accusatory (“Why don’t you ever send me flowers?”), she said, and can fall into the habit of nagging.

Romance often conjures up visions of expensive ocean-view dinners, but it doesn’t have to cost a cent, Tucker said. “Sitting down and talking can be very romantic,” he said. “A walk in the woods is very romantic.”

“Romance is an attitude,” Debbie Maxwell said. “It can be as simple as a look. Like when we are out to dinner with another couple, and he gives me a look. It’s very private.”

The more romantic one partner is, the more romantic the other becomes, Maxwell said. “It definitely feeds off each other.”

It is easier to be romantic, Barbara Carr says, when there is no power struggle between a man and a woman. Goulston agrees. “An integral part of romance is tenderness,” he said, adding that when a couple is locked into a competitive mode, romance often dies.

“To be romantic,” Carr said, “you also have to be vulnerable.” Goulston added: “When you say, ‘I love you,’ you run the risk of rejection, even in a long-term relationship.”

Real romance can only occur, Goulston said, when a couple likes--actually adores--each other. That’s the basis, he says, for long-lasting romance.

Not to mention the fuel that keeps it blazing.