THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Despite Everything, League Is Passing a Stern Test

PHOENIX — Here’s what David Stern really thinks about the state of his league:

“I can’t tell you what a great pleasure it is to welcome you to Phoenix, where the temperature is above 20 degrees and the local franchise isn’t trying to hotfoot it out of town. In other words, I don’t care what happens, it’ll be better than last year’s game at Minneapolis.

“Of course, we’re having another banner season. Our TV ratings are perking up for the first time since you-know-who retired. We’ve overcome that unpleasantness in last year’s finals when the Knicks and Rockets got TV ratings we hadn’t seen since the early ‘80s. With that in mind, I’d like to announce this spring’s finalists: Orlando and Phoenix!

“Just kidding, Pat, you can sit down. We’ve all seen the suit now.

“We’re doing much better on the violence front. I haven’t had a single riot roll over my wingtips like the Bulls and Knicks last spring. These days, we fine these guys if they as much as think a violent thought. We got Clyde Drexler for $19,243 for strolling over with his jacket draped over his shoulder to break up a fight.

“Of course, just to be on the safe side, I don’t sit as close to the floor anymore.

“I’m sure you have questions about the labor negotiations. They’re proceeding splendidly. I don’t call myself Easy Dave for nothing. I love everybody, especially our players, and I think they’d be better off without the windfall profits that I have earmarked for our owners.

“We’ve asked for a hard salary cap to replace the old soft one. We don’t want any more long-term contracts, balloon payments or one-year termination clauses. We’d like a rookie cap too.

“We’re prepared to guarantee that our members practice fiscal responsibility too. I’ve asked the Board of Governors for authority to wire our owners’ desk chairs. The next time George Shinn pulls a trick like that Larry Johnson contract, I can throw a switch in New York and rock his world.

“We feel we’ve made a wonderful transition from Magic Johnson and Larry Bird and you-know-whom to our exciting, young stars, many of whom you’ll be watching here this weekend in one event or another: Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Penny Hardaway, Glenn Robinson, J.R. Rider and Grant Hill.

“I’m sure you’re familiar with them from their movies, CDs and commercial appearances. We’ve asked Grant to speak for them, since he’s the only one who actually talks in complete sentences and will smile during a press interview without getting paid for it. Stand up and wave, Grant! You ready to rap, my brother? I love that guy!

“We know there have been complaints about our young stars’ deportment but I’m sure it’s been blown out of proportion. Derrick Coleman, for example, assures me little of what’s said about him is true.

“Please ask Derrick about it when you see him. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be with us this weekend, since our coaches vowed they’d rather vote for a Tyrannosaurus rex.

“In any case, we’ve been pleased to note a maturation process among our young players. We expect it to accelerate as our rookie cap kicks in and their pay drops back below seven figures.

“We know we face many challenges in the ‘90s but I remain confident. Look at it this way: I was Charles Barkley’s commissioner. I’ve lived through Dennis Rodman. I’ve been to court against Donald T. Sterling. What more can anyone show me?

“Our outlook remains ebullient. Every technological advance brings us closer to our goal, world-wide domination. Did you see Shawn Kemp’s virtual reality ad? We’re happening, dudes! Our future’s so bright, I have to wear those Oakley shades with the wrap-around lenses!

“Of course, international demand for our game remains feverish and we’re anticipating a new market: interstellar. We’re assured that if alien life forms are discovered, they will want to hoop it up too. At $1 billion per franchise, we’ll put one anywhere in the universe, just as soon as they perfect that warp drive.

“I don’t want to talk too long. We have so many wonderful events this weekend. Our fine sponsors have attached their names to every nook and cranny that might turn up in a TV shot, so strike up the cash register and let’s boogie!”

NICE THINGS HAPPEN TO NICE PEOPLE . . .

It was probably only coincidence that Dikembe Mutombo messed up Cedric Ceballos’ thumb and took his place in the All-Star game.

However, fearing Mutombo might have his heart set on being in the opening lineup, West starters aren’t turning their backs on him.

And the Denver Post’s Mike Monroe labeled Dikembe “the Tonya Harding of the NBA.”

Mutombo, of course, said the NBA “could go to hell” when he was passed over. Upon his selection, he came up with an interesting combination for Coach Paul Westphal: himself at center with Hakeem Olajuwon at small forward and David Robinson at power forward.

Westphal, however, said Dikembe shouldn’t count on much playing time. “I’ve got to keep Hakeem and David happy,” he said.

Obviously, Westphal can go to hell too.

. . . BUT WORMS AREN’T WELCOME AT THE PICNIC

Rodman used to make the All-Star game, until he went over the edge. Now he’s into Madonna, Pearl Jam and self-mutilation which--let’s face it--isn’t what the voters were looking for.

“This game is for the politicians to get together and eat steak and lobster,” said Rodman. “They don’t want Dennis Rodman anywhere near something that good. They think I would destroy that game too. . . .”

In an upset, however, Rodman is actually showing signs of going with the San Antonio Spurs’ program.

They’re 23-6 since he returned. He has been suspended only once since returning for blowing off practice. He has even begun laying the ball up when he’s open under the basket, a practice he largely spurned the last two seasons.

Next surprise: The Spur who deserves the most credit for bringing him around is . . . Jack Haley?

Yes, our very own born-into-money, surfing, South Bay, ex-Bruin. Haley, who is a little on the intense side, has tried to serve as a liaison between Rodman and the world. Last week in Seattle, they went to a Pearl Jam concert together.

“It was hot, man,” Rodman said the next night after taking 27 rebounds in an upset of the SuperSonics. “They were great. It was a great place. It got me pumped for tonight.”

Said Spur Coach Bob Hill: “We have guys like Chuck Person, Terry Cummings, Doc Rivers and Willie Anderson. They’re veterans who have been through wars. They realize we could have a special kind of quality on this team. And no one wants to be disruptive to that.”

Well, not at the moment, anyway.

FACES AND FIGURES

This farewell tribute to Boston Garden isn’t turning out quite the way they expected: Kevin McHale, now an official with the Minnesota Timberwolves, took his turn being honored at halftime. Perhaps unaware that a TV camera was rolling over his shoulder, McHale walked into his old dressing room and saw that Acie Earl now had his stall. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” said McHale. “They’ve put Acie Earl in my locker.” With that, he slid out Earl’s nameplate and hid it.

The interesting thing about the Kenny Anderson-Rex Walters feud is that insiders say many of the New Jersey Nets privately agree with Walters’ claim that the “John Stockton of the East” is actually selfish and stat-conscious. “His greatest gift is his worst enemy,” said Walters. “He loves to bounce the ball. . . . Kenny doesn’t want to pass the ball to guys on the break. He’d rather dribble the ball past half court and try to make the difficult play. If he doesn’t want to hear the truth, too bad.”

Scottie Pippen averaged 26 points on the Bulls’ six-game West Coast swing, psyched by the chance to show himself off to a future employer. “I’d love to be traded here,” he said in Oakland. “This is a nice place. And especially to play with a guy like Tim Hardaway, who’s a good player who hasn’t been surrounded by the right personnel. . . . I got 18 days to go (to the Feb. 23 trade deadline).”

Pippen on Vern Maxwell’s 10-game suspension for punching a fan: “Better him than me. I’m glad I found out what it would cost to go into the stands after (Bull General Manager Jerry) Krause.” . . . Add Mad Max: His suspension cost him $228,320 as the league upheld a sacred principle--if you sock fans, they will not keep paying our inflated salaries. It’s not that Maxwell was a victim after a career of arrests and tantrums, but what makes a fan think he can sit a few feet away and taunt him like an animal in a zoo?

Another land mine goes off in the West: Despite its gaudy record, the Utah Jazz is functionally without a center (it has James Donaldson for appearances). Now the Phoenix Suns have lost Danny Manning, reducing them to last year’s team plus Wesley Person and Wayman Tisdale, minus their centers. Manning was not only the Suns’ most versatile player, he was the tallest of this gang of smurfs. His 57 blocks made him the team leader--by 30 over second-place Charles Barkley.

Said Coach Westphal: “We’ll still have a versatile team. We’ll still have a deep team. We’ll go to Barkley a lot. We’ll spread the floor. When K.J. (Kevin Johnson) comes back, we’ll see a lot of his penetration. We’ll never know how good we could have been. But we can be good enough.”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, asked what he didn’t like about last spring’s NBA finals: “John Starks’ jump shot. Anthony Mason’s haircut.”