LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on British runner Diane Modahl, reinstated even though a urine test showed she had 42 times the legal limit of testosterone: “She was first suspected when she became lost during a marathon, but refused to ask directions.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the President refusing to set aside federal bailout funds to help Southern California employees facing massive layoffs because of financial mismanagement: “He said the producers of ‘Waterworld’ got themselves into this mess and they’ll have to get themselves out.”

* Adds Mills: “The film depicts exhausted, confused people drifting aimlessly in a sea of uncertainty, vainly searching for one tiny bit of solid ground to stand on. They’re a lot like the Dream Team.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President hosting Boys Nation at the White House: “These are 100 high school boys who want to be just like Bill Clinton. Just in case they are, the Secret Service doubled the security around Chelsea.”

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Pick your punch line: Christie Brinkley announced she is separating from her husband of seven months:

* “And friends thought they were doing so well. Only last month they renewed their prenuptial agreements.” (Alan Ray)

* “You know how it is with beautiful women. Now that Lyle Lovett’s back on the market, how can she focus on anyone else?” (Hamilton)

* “Billy Joel has had concert tours that have lasted longer.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Jay Leno, on Rep. Mel Reynolds, accused of having sex with an underage campaign worker:

* “He says that all he had was phone sex with her, and I believe him. It’s so typical of a politician. Most would rather talk about what they’re going to do than actually do it.”

* “His colleagues suspected something was up when he introduced a bill that ‘the women pictured in the phone sex ad had to be the same women you talked to when you called the 900 number.’ ”

* “Ironically, he won’t be able to testify. He didn’t use protection and now he has an ear infection.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “There was a small series of loud explosions this afternoon in Downtown L.A. Nothing serious. . . . Nobody hurt. . . . Just another O.J. defense backfiring.” (Leno)

* “With another witness gone sour, the inevitable has happened: The Dream Team has finally come out and accused itself of a conspiracy.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Mark Fuhrman’s allegedly racist tapes are so much in demand that a bidding war has broken out between the defense team and Time Warner’s rap division.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Rumor is that if the vote were held today, it would be 10 to convict and two not guilty. And that’s just the survey of O.J.’s defense team.” (Leno)

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Attending her first college football game, Brea resident Natalie Felix, 3, listened as the announcer said, “Timeout on the field.” She then asked:

“Were all those boys naughty?”