Night Monsters Sometimes Win

With more than 20,000 homicides in America a year, thousands of families share a fate similar to what the Cosby family has endured. But Bill Cosby’s enormous popularity has made the horrible death of his son a national, as well as a personal, tragedy. As killings abound and this celebrity family grieves its loss, parents everywhere are reminded of their powerlessness to protect their children from senseless slaughter.

From the start, the safety of our offspring is uppermost in the minds of parents. Even those of high station in so-called safe neighborhoods cannot escape the tragedy of random violence. We are never prepared to admit that our children are at risk of being murdered. Nor do we wish to frighten our children by making them hypervigilant about the possibility that someday, even as grownups, they can become a murder statistic.

So when children cry out in the night for fear of monsters entering their room, professionals advise parents to say that nothing will harm them because we simply won’t let it happen. When we speak these words, children believe them with all their heart. And in that moment, so do we, the parents.

We ignore the underlying theme of this childhood fear: that they will be killed. Just as this thought terrifies children, it terrifies us. So we assure our children and ourselves that we will keep them safe, no matter what. And we live with a fantasy that even when our most cherished possessions grow up, we can protect them from the monsters of the night. When a child is murdered, that fantasy is shattered.

Bill Cosby is beloved by millions of people; his humor, laughter and warmth have made it easier for all of us to endure life’s vicissitudes. Although we would like to make this tragedy easier for him and his family, the murder of a child leaves wounds that are difficult to heal.

When a child is murdered, we call up words like “sociopath” and try to make sense of the event. But, in fact, the murder of a child has no meaning. Human reasoning fails to explain or soothe. If a child dies from a terminal illness or fatal accident, it is easier to accept the death as a tragic but natural part of life.

Grief following any death can last a lifetime. But grief following murder is more complicated. Our faith in the safety and security of the world is destroyed. Will the Cosbys ever feel safe again in a world in which their beloved son was murdered? As they begin to heal, will they regain their faith in humanity?

Without warning, without a stitch of psychological protection in place, a single act explodes the human heart and leaves us stunned with grief and rage and feeling powerless. Like no other manner of death, homicide leaves survivors feeling profoundly violated. This pain slowly dissipates, but the sense of violation never disappears. Now the parents are crying in the night and no one can soothe us.

Grieving families experience numbness, sadness and despair, which accompany any loss; but the families of murder victims also experience deep feelings of rage and bitterness that may linger throughout their lives. If the killer is caught, prosecuted and jailed, it provides some resolution of the rage. But even if justice is done, the loss remains.

Their anguish is so wrenching that survivors must allow themselves to lean on friends, talk out their pain and share remembrances. While there is good reason to protect survivors’ privacy when they are so vulnerable, the families of murder victims must not isolate themselves with unnecessary stoicism.

At this moment, the Cosbys are facing the enormity of their loss; the child no longer calls, no longer appears. Grieving families hold their children in their memories and in their hearts, but can no longer hold them in their arms.

In time, the Cosbys will get on with their lives and we must allow them to do so. Part of their recovery will be to return to their routines when they are able. We must allow Bill Cosby to be the gifted comedian that he is. Together with the Cosbys, we will continue living and eventually learn to laugh again.