The Dollar, Brought to You by Sani-Flush

Nobody likes to pay taxes. The problem is that the U.S. government needs money--and lots of it--to do all the things we want it to do. So we tend to think of taxes as unpleasant necessities.

I believe taxes can be eliminated. We just need to be more aggressive about creating new sources of revenue. Here are a few suggestions:

* Sell advertising on paper money. Take a look at a dollar bill. See that blank border that surrounds the designs on the front and back? Dozens of companies would pay huge sums of money to insert their logos and slogans into that space. Why bother with television commercials that last 30 seconds or newspaper ads that are read once and thrown away when you can sell your product on a piece of paper that consumers fondle lovingly? I know that some so-called purists may consider this a desecration of an American icon, but let’s be honest--the symbolism is perfect: Use money to make money.

* Create a royal family. Royal families, when handled properly, are a profitable institution. Take a look at the British royal family. They sell tons of royal family memorabilia, and the British aren’t even as good at marketing as Americans are. The idea is to choose a family that is dignified, yet prone to scandal. The Kennedys are the obvious choice, but too many of their family members are involved in politics. The key to a profitable royal family is to ensure that they are powerless. The Kennedys are too dangerous--they might try to become a real royal family. Instead, how about Michael Jackson and his family?

* Reinstitute the draft and allow paid exemptions. During the Civil War, draftees in the North were able to avoid service by paying the government $300. Let’s do it again. Raise the price to $3,000, draft everyone between the ages of 16 and 60, and we could probably raise $300 billion. Does it seem unfair that we would end up with an Army consisting almost entirely of poor people? We have that now anyway, so why not make a little money on it?

* Sell invasion insurance to other nations. These days, most wars are civil wars. Very few nations are actually invaded by another country. Yet many governments, particularly dictatorships, are paranoid about being invaded. Surely the CIA can be counted on to scare them to the point of paying up. And anyway, it’s about time the CIA started earning its keep.

* Sell nights at the White House. President Clinton had the right idea. But the money should go to the U.S. government, not the Democratic National Committee. And why limit the president’s fund-raising to sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom? How about selling rides on Air Force One? Or attendance at Cabinet meetings? Maybe even sharing the president’s bed? This last possibility might not be appealing when the Republicans are in power, but the Democrats have enormous potential.

* Create a national presidential access lottery. Why should presidential access be limited to rich people? Make access the prize in a national lottery and bring equality to the world of corruption. Runners-up could dine with members of the Supreme Court and Congress.

These are just a few ideas for creating revenue. Send me your suggestions and together let’s eliminate taxes and make the federal government pay its own way.