Punch Lines

All Aboard: Tonight, UPN launches a new version of “The Love Boat.” “This could be the first time the boat stays afloat, but the network goes under.” (Jerry Perisho)

Haven’t Got Time for the Pain: “A new study by the National Institutes of Health says men and women react differently to painkillers. Give them both the same painkiller and it might not be effective. That’s why I stopped taking Midol. I get bloated.” (Jay Leno)

It’s Just a Stage: “About 360 boxes of acne medication were stolen from a pharmacy in Singapore. Police say they’re looking for three suspects who go by ‘Hanson.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Up in Smoke: A 14-year-old boy surrendered last week after he allegedly took five students hostage in an Idaho schoolyard. He gave up when police offered him a pack of cigarettes. “It’s Kentucky’s biggest win since the NCAA final.” (Argus Hamilton)

No Frequent Flier Here: After hanging upside down in an airplane caught on power lines in Seattle, a pilot was removed with the help of a cherry picker. “After the ordeal, the pilot was cited for not returning his plane to its full upright position.” (Premiere Radio)

Dog Alert: “The American Kennel Club has put out a book listing several breeds of dogs it says are not appropriate for children, including Rottweilers, Dalmatians and Michael Jackson.” (Premiere Radio)

Condom Alert: Authorities in Daytona Beach, Fla., are looking for a guy they say stole a 20-foot display condom. “The man is described as in his early 20s, 6 feet tall, 170 pounds and carrying a 40-foot wallet.” (Steve Voldseth)

Playboy Alert: Hugh Hefner has turned 72. “He planned a very quiet, very intimate get-together. He invited only those women he hasn’t slept with.” (Voldseth)

Georgy Boy: An 11-year-old girl has published a study proving that touch therapy--making oneself feel better by the “laying on of hands”--doesn’t work. “And today, George Michael said, ‘Oh, great! Now she tells me!’ ” (Voldseth)

Movie Review: The “luxury package” is emerging as the hottest movie theater trend. Moviegoers get admission to the theater, which features extra-wide seats, popcorn, a soft drink and valet parking, for about $15. “For another 5 bucks, they’ll even cancel the film.” (Olympia Daily World)

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