LAUGH LINES

Now, That’s Home Security: “It was reported . . . that the Secret Service has added a million-dollar security system to the president and Hillary’s new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bulletproof windows, floodlights and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary’s on her way home.” (Conan O’Brien)

It’s Just His Day Job: Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. “At the scene, the arresting officer read him his Miranda rights and excerpts from an action-adventure screenplay he’s working on.” (Bob Mills)

The Spitting Image: “The Brazilian model who had Mick Jagger’s baby said in an interview she wanted the baby to look like her. But as it turns out, the baby looks exactly like Jagger. . . . I saw a picture of the baby and he looks like he’s 75 years old.” (O’Brien)

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Chris Pina’s Picks for

Worst Fast-Food Restaurants

* Cory’s Gristle Shack

* Salad on a Stick

* Jackal in the Box

* International House of Cholesterol

* Slop Stop

* Bob’s Long Wait for Food

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.