In Battle of Celebrity Magazines, Readers May Be Losers

For three bruising weeks this month, the people at People magazine and the folks at Us magazine went head to head, toe to toe, mano a mano, slugging it out in brutal combat over three hot news stories--or at least what passes for hot news stories in the celebrity piffle biz.

Mariah’s breakdown! Hollywood breakups! Ben’s battle with the bottle! These are stories that get the adrenaline pumping at the celeb newsweeklies. I know because I worked at People many moons ago. I still recall the heady jolts of energy we got when we went full-bore on a celeb scoop--researchers combing the clips for background material from which we could steal quotes ... reporters calling the star, the star’s publicist, the star’s personal trainer, the star’s publicist’s personal trainer ... writers furiously pounding out copy that editors would rewrite, only to be re-rewritten by higher-ranking editors the next day.

Ah, the excitement! It was only later, when it was all done, that you woke up and thought: Wait a minute; a dozen talented, highly educated humans just spent three frenzied 14-hour days producing a thousand words on ... Pia Zadora?

But by then it was too late. Some lovesick starlet had passed out in Spago and got her stomach pumped by the doctor known as the Stomach Pumper to the Stars and--bingo!--it started all over again.

But enough with the nostalgia. The question on the floor is: Who won the August battles of the celeb-journo giants? Was it People, the cash cow of the AOL Time Warner mega-conglomerate? Or Us, the feisty upstart owned by Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner?

Let’s take them week by week, round by round:

Round 1--Aug. 13:Mariah Goes Bonkers

The News Peg: After behaving weirdly at a couple of public events, pop singer Mariah Carey checks into a hospital for a rest.

Us goes all out on this story, running a cover photo of Mariah, complete with the requisite exposed bellybutton, and a breathless three-line cover headline crammed with delightfully cheesy cliches: “How the pressures of stardom turned Mariah Carey’s hope for a new beginning into a world of pain.”

Inside, Us devotes six pages to the story, including delicious details on how Mariah got goofy on an MTV show, distributing Popsicles to the studio audience, doing an impromptu striptease, then whipping out a framed photo of her mom. Us also prints rumors that Mariah had cozied up to rapper Eminem, hoping he’d consent to a collaboration that unnamed “music insiders” mocked as a “desperate attempt to increase her ‘street cred.”’ All that, plus lots of pictures, including a great cleavage shot of Mariah perched on the lap of her latest boyfriend, whom she may or may not have broken up with, which may or may not have precipitated this breakdown. Whew!

Meanwhile, People, America’s foremost royalist magazine, goes with a cover on Princess Diana’s kids, relegating Mariah to a little head shot in one corner of the cover. Inside is a two-page story that relies mostly on Mariah’s publicist, who, not surprisingly, predicts that Mariah will bounce back “stronger than ever.”

But People does have one juicy detail that Us missed: On a movie set in May, Mariah threw a salt shaker at co-star Mira Sorvino and then the two “wrestled to the floor.” Let’s hope there’s video.

The Result:

Us takes this round easily.

Round 2--Aug. 20:Ben Battles Bottle

The News Peg: After a weekend of boozing and gambling, actor Ben Affleck checks into rehab.

People, eager to avenge its humiliation in Round 1, roars into action, running a cover with Affleck looking appropriately unshaven and forlorn, plus six pages packed with juicy details on his party-hearty past, including recent appearances in strip joints in Montreal and in Tokyo, where he “spent the night pacing like a caged tiger from stage to stage.”

Us runs a cover story, too, but the cover shows a cleanshaven and bright-eyed Affleck, which contradicts the story line. Us has partying anecdotes, too, but none as fun as People’s.

But Us has a great sidebar story on Promises, the Malibu celebrity rehab clinic where Affleck was detoxing. The place, which costs more than a grand a day, features “group meditation” and “equine therapy,” which involves working with horses in order to, as the owner puts it, “bring up trust issues.” Also, Us reported, “each guest must make his or her own bed,” which helps the guest “gain some humility.”

The Result:

People wins on Affleck but Us scores on rehab. It’s a hard-fought draw.

Round 3--Aug. 27:Celeb Breakup Roundup

The News Peg: Hollywood mega-stars who broke up earlier this year are still broken up.

People’s cover shows actresses Nicole Kidman, Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts and the headline screams “Everything but Love.” Inside, the People people spend six pages revealing that even super-rich superstar actresses have a tough time finding true love. “Money, however, can’t buy love --as Ryan and the nation’s estimated 44 million other unattached women know all too well.” Yuck! This is truly lame stuff, even for August.

Us takes the same material and heads right down the low road, dishing plenty of trashy details on the broken marriages of Nicole & Tom and Meg & Dennis. The gist is that the Ryan-Quaid split is amicable while the Kidman-Cruise divorce is an eye-gouging, rabbit-punching legal brawl. My favorite little factoid: Quaid consoled himself after Ryan’s affair with cad actor Russell Crowe by dating a “former Wonderbra model” named Caprice. Good move, guy.

The Result: Both are awful, but cheesy-awful beats insipid-awful any day. Us wins.

This week, like two exhausted armies, these mags avoided another head-to-head battle. Instead, People interviewed Gary Condit, while Us ran a cover story on how Carnie Wilson lost 150 pounds.

So: Which magazine should you read for celebrity news?

Neither.

Take it from a guy who toiled in the celeb-news biz for longer than he cares to remember: Forget the stars. They’re all fictional characters anyway. Live your life. Experience your own breakdowns and breakups. Have your own booze-and-gambling binges, followed by your own attempts at sobriety, with or without equine therapy.

And remember: Make your own bed. It keeps you humble.