Cigar Ads Are So Much Hot Air

It’s amazing what Bill Clinton gets away with. We’re not talking sexual harassment; we’re talking cigar smoking.

To celebrate the Arkansas court’s dismissal of Paula Jones’ lawsuit, Clinton engaged in a time-honored ritual of success; popping a cigar in his mouth while he whooped it up.

Not so fast, Mr. President. While you were on African safari, you probably hadn’t heard what we’re doing here in California. Your favorite state has designated the cigar as an agent of death, so lighting up a panatela in California just might require the Secret Service to wrestle the smelly thing to the ground. Can’t be too cautious.

You see, pressured by legislative nannies--mostly your fellow Democrats--the state has embarked on a massive advertising campaign to warn us about the newest tobacco sin.

Here’s their latest television commercial: portrayed on the screen is a trendily dressed young man with the trendy name of “Chad” engaging in the “Big New Trend (get it?) in Cancer”--smoking a cigar. Chad is asked by the narrator/nanny if he has “any idea how many cigarettes you’d need to equal the nicotine in that big fat stogie?” Chad, though trendy, is also stupid and doesn’t realize that something three times as long and seven times as fat as a cigarette has many more chemical ingredients.

Luckily, the narrator/nanny informs Chad he’d have to smoke 70 cigarettes to achieve equivalent nicotine levels-- and so, cleverly, 70 cigarettes appear in this hapless bozo’s mouth. Case closed.

Actually, case not closed. This is a colossal waste of time, resources and creative energy.

Full disclosure is required: I occasionally smoke cigars, having overcome an inherent reluctance to enjoy something engaged in by that Commie, Castro. However, like my new (temporary) hero, the president, I don’t inhale.

Nevertheless, it’s not just my personal ox that’s being gored. I’ve enjoyed cigars in the company of liberal Democrats--we’re not naming names here--and other prominent pols. We’re like-minded adults who can make informed decisions while not abusing something that can be harmful if done without moderation. Smoking cigars is a pleasant and relaxing social custom. Period.

It’s a form of celebration--which is why we hand them out to commemorate the joy of a child’s birth. And in their darkest hour the British surely took hope at the sight of Winston Churchill defying Hitler while brandishing a cigar.

Consider this: On the successful completion of another remarkable space exploit, could anyone possibly think it would be the same if the folks in Mission Control laughed and cheered while giddily biting into tofu bars? No, firing up those cigars has always symbolized the wondrous conclusion of an awe-inspiring national achievement.

At some point, there is a line to be drawn, and I think we’ve reached it. Surely, common sense tells us that of all the ills of American society, the threat of mass teenage indulgence of $11 premium cigars cannot possibly be this high on the list.

A couple of recent news events might bring us all back down to earth.

The U.S. Department of Justice reported last week that alcohol abuse is a factor in 40% of violent crime. Three million felonies are committed annually by someone who has been drinking. Hmmm. Picture Chad with a six-pack stuffed in his mouth.

Worse, and much more serious, social services agencies in California just reported that in Los Angeles and Orange counties alone there were roughly 150,000 cases of serious child abuse in a single year.

Pay attention now--64 of these resulted in deaths.

The Times reported on three of these stomach-churning cases. Seventeen-month-old Teddy was intentionally burned and beaten about the head, spleen and kidney. Samuel, a month past his first birthday, was “covered with human bite marks and had a split liver, a swollen brain, a bruised skull and blood in his stomach before he lost consciousness and died.” The report on 5-month-old Jonathan: brain hemorrhages, skull fractures, a ruptured bladder, bruised lungs, groin injuries and then death.

Here’s a message to the legislatures posturing over cigars as their latest pot of political gold. Teddy, Samuel and Jonathan will never have a chance to decide whether they should puff on one of Chad’s “big fat stogies.”

How about an ad campaign about governmental priorities?

Kenneth L. Khachigian is a veteran political strategist and former White House speech writer who practices law in Orange County. His column appears here every other week.